And all the king's men: Part 2

If you're new, or just want to relive the adventure that was part one, you can find it here.

Before I get started on 6-10, there is a story I forgot to tell in part one, perhaps because I've done my best to repress all memory of this occurrence, and I think you'll understand why: at least once a week, for the duration of our relationship, # 2 would stand naked in front of me and furiously thrust his hips back and forth. Suddenly there'd be an almight 'smack!' as his balls got up enough momentum to swing back and high-five him in the ass. It was both frightening and educational, and I'm still trying to forget it.

But I digress. On with The List:

6 - aged 17 - February 1999: I had just moved to Melbourne and was starting year twelve again (I couldn't transfer my Adelaide results so it was back to the classroom for me). I wasn't leaving to visit # 4 until the first term holidays, so I used those first few weeks to have some fun in a big new city. Dad was running the D&D ball and gave me some tickets to hand out at my new school so I could make some friends (bless him!). There was no shortage of volunteers, one of which immediately caught my eye. He was friendly and funny, and we got along terribly well. We kissed at the ball, and a couple of weeks later we did the deed. It was my first experience of bad sex - bang! bang! bang! bang! bang!!! and it was all over. Lying in the wake of his orgasm he uttered seven little words that still disgust me to this day: 'you don't have any STDs or anything?' I was horrified - stupid me didn't make him wear a condom, but I wasn't expecting that. Equally horrifying was the fact that he refused to be my boyfriend. I recall explaining to a friend that 'in Adelaide, if you kiss or have sex with a boy it means you're going out.' Ah, how I've learnt.

7 - aged 19 - March 2001: # 4 and I were slowly coming to an end as we realised just how difficult it would be to stay together whilst living so far apart. At a friend's birthday party I met a delightful young lad, whom I dated for about nine months. Although he treated me like a princess, he'd leave his socks on EVERY time we had sex, which disturbed me greatly (naked man + socks = gross).

8 - aged 20 - November 2001: I was working at a radio station during the summer before starting uni. I became enchanted with an arrogant wanker of a radio announcer who, at the time, I thought was the bee's knees. We had a three month summer romance before he dumped me and left me with a broken ego disguised as a boken heart. I eventually laughed it off, saying 'he'll never become anything.' He's now a major radio personality on one of Australia's biggest networks. Ooops (and no, it's not Kyle).

9 - aged 20 - August 2002: I thought I'd ruined my chances with # 9 after an unfortunate incident in the Anatomy Museum. Casually leaning on a display case, I innocently twirled my hair, smiled coyly, and flirted my little heart out. He was receptive but smirking the whole time. I couldn't quite work out why until he left and I noticed that we'd been standing in the reproduction section. It was then I knew something was awry, and as I lifted my arm off the display case it was resting upon, I immediately knew what: that's right kids, I'd been leaning on a pickled human penis the whole time. Subtle. A few weeks later we went out with mutual friends and it was obvious there was an attraction. After a few drinks and some dirty dancing he leant in for the kiss but changed his mind at the last second. My ego was dented once again, and in my drunken state I vowed that he would be mine. I aggresively pursued him the rest of the night, even after learning that the reason for his reluctance was because he had a girlfriend. I accomplished my mission, went back to his house, and had drunk sex with him. It was my first one night stand and the only time I've slept with another girl's boyfriend.

10 - aged 21 - November 2002: During a normal night out with friends, I made my way to the ladies at a bar in town. As I navigated my way through the couches and crowds I stopped dead in my tracks. I had just noticed the world's best looking man. He literally made me stop walking. I raced back to my friends and told them all about him. One of my friend's girlfriends took me by the arm and hauled me over to him, plonked me down and introduced me. I spent the next two hours stumbling over my words and falling in love (lust). We exchanged numbers and I called him later in the week. One thing lead to another and we had casual sex for the three months before he left for a new job in Queensland. To this day, in my opinion, he is the best looking man I've ever seen, and as such I still have no idea what the fuck he was doing with me.

11-15 next time, featuring some foreigners and a night at the beach! Woo!

posted by Ruby @ 12:01:00 AM